Healing Voices: Confronting Trauma in Healthcare and Embracing Change

Navigating the hidden minefields within the healthcare system, survivors of trauma often find themselves in a silent war where their voices go unheard, their experiences invalidated. We're joined by an inspiring guest, who shares their chilling journey as a PTSD survivor - from the cold examination rooms of the VA to the desperate search for a semblance of understanding in a world that often turns a deaf ear to their cries for a trauma-informed approach. Through their eyes, we witness the profound impact of healthcare encounters on individuals with a history of sexual assault, and we're reminded of the heavy burden carried by those who serve in silence.

This conversation extends beyond a recount of personal trials; it is a call to action for empathy and change within our medical institutions. Our guest, author of "The Journey Back to Myself: A Book of Healing Poetry," brings forth their poignant poetry as a beacon for others navigating this tumultuous path. The episode serves as a testament to resilience and the transformative power of being heard, urging healthcare providers to not only listen but to believe the testimonies of survivors. As we explore these sobering accounts, we're moved to reflect on the urgent need for sensitivity in medical care - a change that can't come soon enough.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Good morning. I wanted to share one of my writings. The nightmare of post-traumatic stress, the nightmare of PTSD, is that one never knows when it's going to trigger it. One never knows how one is going to respond in a situation and I have learned to keep my triggers at a minimum level. But there are some things that I cannot control and I tried to do my best with this particular incident that threw me into full-blown PTSD.

Speaker 1: 0:35

One would think that reaching out to and telling a medical professional your truth would be a good thing and that these medical professionals would be supportive, listen and want to help in any possible way. I thought that the conversation I had with the nurse practitioner went well and I thought that we were on the same page. It started when I went to the VA to get my ankle checked out. The nurse practitioner had noticed that I had not had a pap smear for five years and I told her I was there about my ankle. In the exam room there was a student nurse practitioner and I was not comfortable talking to my nurse practitioner any further. She kept pushing the issue and I got mad and said she kept pushing the issue. I got mad and said I've not done this for five years because it's triggering to me. Then she joked and was like, well, we could knock you out. I told her that sounded great Because that would be the only way that I would ever do a pap smear. So she told me to get myself prepared and call and make an appointment. So after being raped six times, it's not easy to go to a gynecologist and it's not easy to have my yoni touched and that's the last thing I want to do. So for the next two weeks I kicked around the idea. I called the VA and made an appointment, probably about a month later. Then I called and canceled that one and then I called back and made another appointment. I reached out to the military sexual coordinator and I opened up more to the VA than I had ever done before. I was told on Monday that the nurse practitioner would call me on Wednesday or Thursday. It got to be Friday and I was mad that I had not heard from the nurse practitioner. I called the VA to cancel the appointment. It took me getting loud and angry for them to have the nurse practitioner call me back. I told her my truth about why I was scared of pap smear and pelvic exam. I thought that we were on the same page and we had an understanding of how triggering this exam was to me. So I go to the exam, I start crying, I turn red, I stop, stop breathing and they have to tell me to keep breathing. I get a massive headache. They give me a nice pack for my back, I get dressed and leave they. They take my blood pressure in another, another room where it's 144 over 115. I am still crying for the rest of the day and night.

Speaker 1: 3:23

Tuesday comes along and I call the VA to talk to the nurse practitioner. After the nurse practitioner, she saw my reaction from the previous day. She was like what you had was a body memory and I was like no shit. I told you that I was a survivor of multiple sexual assaults. It's in my medical record, if you would have bothered to read it. And then she finally prescribes me a medication for anti-anxiety and sets me up with the choice program. So then the fight starts with the VA and the choice program telling that she had put in a consult for me for the choice program and of course the choice program says they had not received a consult yet. I call the VA back and talk to another lady. I tell her that there is no way in hell that I will step foot into a VA again, since they can't listen to patients and don't believe people when they tell them that they're a survivor of rape.

Speaker 1: 4:36

I spent the rest of the day crying, talking to a suicide crisis line and a couple of my friends. All of this could have been stopped if they had bothered to listen to me when I was advocating for myself and told them my truth and I said this exam is very triggering for me and I asked for a medication or, better yet, it would have been better to see a real doctor that is, a gynecologist, is trauma-informed, knows about rape and post-traumatic stress. What happened at the VA should have never happened to me or another person, and I will never have a pelvic exam. I mean, this is a nightmare and this is what survivors mean when we talk about body memories. You know being touched on our yoni and in our vagina. Survivors don't do? I mean because it triggers memories and people have post-traumatic stress reactions like I had. You get into panic attacks, you get into flashbacks, you start crying. I mean, and this is part of what happens to somebody when you are raped and then and then.

Speaker 1: 6:06

A nurse practitioner is too, too stupid that she can't fucking listen to a to a patient. That is service connected and it's in my chart and if she just would have bothered to listen and read my chart like none of this would have happened in the first place. Man, you know, and I didn't ask to be raped by a third class petty officer. I didn't ask to be emotionally abused, retaliated against victim, blamed, shamed and lose my career, while the bastard who raped me kept his and was promoted and allowed to rape other women, man and mean. And this is a fact. This is what happens with post-traumatic stress and it's just not right. I mean, you would think that medical professionals could take the time to read a chart and listen to their patients, and the VA is a total joke. One more thing I wanted to read is pelvic examination. It's a poem I wrote how I have avoided you, how I do not feel connected to you, how I want nothing to do with you, how I want no one to touch you. The past year you have let me know you are there.

Speaker 1: 7:37

I went to the emergency room to get my ankle taken care of. Next thing I know is a nurse practitioner is talking to me about having a pap smear. I tell her there's no way in hell that pap smears are very triggering to me. She makes light of this and makes a joke about what I'm saying. I get very angry and tell her there is no way. As I walk out of the room she tells me to think about making an appointment. I kick around the thought of making an appointment. I call and make an appointment with the VA. I talk to a couple of my friends and tell them I have not had a pap smear for five years. They tell me to advocate for myself.

Speaker 1: 8:17

Call and talk to the nurse practitioner telling her that I am a survivor of multiple sexual assaults. I thought that she had heard me. I thought that she was listening to me and that we were on the same page. I ask for anti-anxiety medication beforehand. She tells me no. I am very scared and as the examination goes on, I stop breathing, I turn red, I get a massive headache, I stop breathing and the nurse has to tell me to breathe. I'm in tears. After examination they take my blood pressure and it's 154 over 115. I cannot stand being at the Women's Health Clinic anymore and I hurry up and leave the rest of the day. I'm shaking and crying. During the night I'm having nightmares and flashbacks to when I was raped.

Speaker 1: 9:04

The following morning I call the VA to ask to talk to the RN. No-transcript. I say no shit. I knew this would happen and I told you my truth. I asked for an anti-anxiety medication beforehand. I asked to be listened to, but you chose to ignore the fact. I told you that I had been raped six times and this examination would trigger those memories. You did not believe what I was telling you and now, all of a sudden, you pretend that you care by giving me a prescription for medication that I asked for. What is the hell is wrong with you? Why would I lie about being raped six times? Why would he not listen to a survivor who's telling you our truth? Why did he not believe me? Why did he not read my chart? Why did he wait for me to have a body response to see that I'm telling the truth? Hell, if you had bothered to read my chart, you would have seen that I have been service-connected for post-traumatic stress due to military sexual trauma. I'm a survivor of childhood rape and university rape, all of which I told you and told you before the examination. All you did was cause another trauma by not listening, not believing when I told you, and now you pretend you care by providing a medication, putting in a consult for therapy to talk me down from wanting to kill myself.

Speaker 1: 10:32

Listen to survivors, believe survivors, be there. Believe survivors, be there. So I just wanted to share this. You can find this in my book, the Journey Back to Myself, a book of healing poetry, and my book is available on Amazon, and the main thing I just want to say is listen. I mean, if you're a medical professional, or even if you're not a medical professional, just listen to people. I mean, if somebody tells you something, don't be. Oh, she's lying. No, you listen to people. I mean, somebody tells you something, don't be, oh, she's lying. No, you listen to people.